Disclaimer: this article is for entertainment purposes only. I mean, unless...

To paraphrase Smash Mouth: "the bills start coming and they don't stop coming". Christmas is ignoring my repeated restraining orders and still encroaching. Trees and lights are up, temps and bank accounts are down, and gifts still need to be bought.

What can you do when you're out of food for the capitalism machine?

[Batman sounder.wav] To the Black Market!

I billionaire who's trying to help us? Unrealistic... (Photo by Serge Kutuzov on Unsplash)
A billionaire who's trying to help us? Unrealistic... (Photo by Serge Kutuzov on Unsplash)
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There's a certain marketplace for the desperate outside of Facebook Marketplace. If you're friends with a shady surgeon or a highly-skilled hunter, you just might be able to make enough money to afford the true meaning of Xmas: stuff. Lots. Of. Stuff.

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Know Your Worth By Knowing What You're Worth

If you're good about parting with parts of yourself, then you can regain your status as King Uncle Santa or whatever. The Black Market wants YOU...well, pieces of you. Here they are, in (allegedly) descending order of demand/value. (Prices are approximate, because...ya know. Black Market.)

Kidneys ($200,000)

Photo by Volodymyr Hryshchenko Unsplash
Oh beans... (Photo by Volodymyr Hryshchenko Unsplash)
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Your kidneys are the most sought-after organ on the Free Black Market, and here's the bonus: you only need one to live! While 100,000 people toil on the organ donor waitlist, less than 17,000 will get a life-saving kidney transplant. Why not contribute to the supply and still live to see six figures?

Liver ($157,000)

Cheers to the new liver! (Photo by Wil Stewart on Unsplash)
Cheers to the new liver! (Photo by Wil Stewart on Unsplash)
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We love our booze. How much? Over 30,000 Americans die every year from chronic liver disease. Waiting lists are too long (there's a theme here) and the procedure is expensive (another theme here), so people often have to turn to the Black Market.

If you have a healthy liver, you can sell part of it...but probably not for full price. No worries, though! Your liver will likely regenerate, so you can just keep growin' and sellin'!

Heart ($119,000)

OVERRATED (Photo by Nicola Fioravanti on Unsplash)
OVERRATED (Photo by Nicola Fioravanti on Unsplash)
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Heart transplants (like every medical procedure ever, just more so) are expensive. AF. Got over a million dollars under your mattress when the ol' ticker tries to stop ticking? Neither do I. If you're heartless anyway, might as well make it literal and make a few bucks!

Corneas ($30,000)

Think I need a new search engine (Photo by Wouter Supardi Salari on Unsplash)
Think I need a new search engine (Photo by Wouter Supardi Salari on Unsplash)
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Corneas are part of your eyeballs, and are the most frequently transplanted tissue. The problem is, they're usually sold after you die when you can't enjoy the fruits of your tissue-growing labor. Be pre-emptive!

H/T: Ranker

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